A Pilot's Tale

If you've lived to be 85, you think you know who you are; then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old pilot sat down and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot. What about you?'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women.hen I watch TV, I think about naked women.

It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence...

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old man and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'



 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.’

A Little Girl On A Plane

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving the airport when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

Sumsing Turbo 3000 Cellphone

Patsy Cline Lip Sync at High School Reunion

A funny act at a high school reunion. The singer lip syncs "She's Got You" and pulls memories out of her bra.

We are in trouble...

The Population of this country is 300 million.

160 Million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the Work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the Federal Government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing terrorists.

Which leaves 17.2 Million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 Million people who work for state and city governments. And that Leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there You are...

Sitting on your ass...

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

How do Penguins bury their dead?

 

First, the dig a grave in the ice. Then, the male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then they kick him in the ice hole.

A dog eating his biscuits...